The clock is ticking

time is running out until LOOSE it


I can't handle it anymore....

Last summer sleepover...I hope you read this

And I won't get it this year. yes I still consider us best friends.I miss you more than you will ever know. You come up in conversations more than I would like because it hurts. I could confide in you EVERYTHING! You listened. I didn't need you to say anything, I knew you cared. You understood me. You checked up on me. But for the first time we didn't see eye to eye and that bothered me so I blew it. I blew a whole 5 year friendship out the window. I should have talked to you first. I was very juvenile in the way I acted. I can never apologize more for that. You mean the world to me.

This will be the first year since we were in 8th grade that we don't have the last summer sleepover together. That hurts more than anyone will ever now. Yous aid everything was okay but it's obviously not. I ruined our friendship with a blog and now I'm trying to fix it with a blog. Well trying...I miss you! I'm so so so sorry. I want everything to be the same. I was thinking the other day about thing in my life that you don't know and that's strange to me you always knew everything going on in my life. This fight needs to end...please <3

Sometimes

You have to remember that when it comes to liking, crushing on, or even loving someone that you can’t be scared to get hurt. You learn from relationships. I think when were younger we tend to forget that relationships are searching for our husband or wife or if anything finding the traits we want in a husband or wife. Without getting our heart a little bruised we won’t figure out what we want in our next relationship to mend. Even when you think you have found someone with all the right traits that you want you have to remember that ANY relationship in life besides the boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife stuff like friendship or the relationship you have with family members can have it’s obstacles or fork’s in the road. But when you work through it and come out stronger that’s when you know that is the kindave relationship that you want to nurish and grow, because in the end those are the relationships that last a life time. But even if it doesn’t work out and you get hurt it will help you in the long run.

You also can’t let a heartbreak consume your life. Once you let something like that take over your state of mind, it becomes a habit. Just let things take its tole and in the end if it’s God’s plan it will all work out<3

Used

 I feel used. I'm not saying I'm this great giving person but do I like to go out of my way to make people happy YES, yes I do things and DON'T ask for anything in return. This past year though I did a WHOLE lot of things for people and not even getting a thank you in return. I get so worked up about making people happy that I get really let down when the appreciation isn't as good as I hoped. I learn so much after these experiences. One is after I do something big for a person( like throw them a party of sorts) and then after I realized they never valued my friendship to begin with. Or maybe I listen to them crying about how awful there life is even when it's not and then when I need help I realize it's a one way friendship. Or maybe keep all your secrets and I tell you one thing and you tell the world. Or maybe even I rely on you to listen and you stay for a while and then your gone. Or maybe I listen to everything you say with no judgments and I need to let my feelings out with no judging and that's all you do loud and clear! I feel used like anything I do will get all the love sucked out of it and no sorry or thank you in the end. All I want is for once to do something nice for someone and having me after have the feeling of gratefulness and thinking it was worth it and not just another feeling of being a washed up used piece of crap.....

Fool me once...

"Fool me once shame on me fool me twice shame on you"

So I thought I'd give you a second chance. You easily hurt my feelings so I was cautious to give in. But just as the saying goes when you assume... You make all these excuses and mistakes and you don't except the responsibility for the outcome in the end.

You can talk the talk but you can't walk the walk

You'll never know how much it hurt me...

There's a difference

There is a difference in a friendship between caring and for caring but getting out deep emotions. Just because you care doesn't mean there isn't going to be problems In a friendship people say things ALL the time they don't mean. Other times thy say things they mean but not in the right manner. In friendships you work through things and come out closer and stronger. If you get through the roughy times that's when you know that it is a true good friendship. If you fight at least one you know that friendship is a keeper.

I'm doing the best I can I'm not perfect. But I put it a lot of time an effort into friendships. But what I've learned is honesty is the beat policy and you need to be open wig your feelings or else it's all a fake friendship. In general keeping your emotions inside isn't healthy and can ruin you in the long run. It hurts when you trying so hard to fix something that doesn't want to be fixed. I'm not a bad person and I'm sticking by myself but if my emotions are just going to be turned against me then fine.

But I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve some support. I deserve to be treated better. Were not two anymore and friendships get more complicated. But there's nothing complicated about being treated poorly. I wish I could take back things I've Sao but I can't. Words hurt I get it. But words come from people and people set off triggers. My emotional trigger let loose. I underhand the upset with me but I'm not the bad guy. No one is! But I'm done with getting everythig turned on me. Let's learn to grow up and accept responsibility.

Forgotten

Your a day late not exactly a day but pretty much a day late. I know you probably think it's not a huge deal. It's not I guess. But I think it is. Which probably sounds really lame and you probably think I'm over exaggerating this whole situation. I guess I am but I'm sorry that i care. I'm sorry that i put time into things. I'm sorry that I actually cared about this. You mean a lot to me. I guess. This whole thought is a guess. A hunch. A thought. Now let's juts say hypothetically something came up. You could have called. A text. A message. An I'm. A wall post. Something to let me know that you were sorry or that you remembered. Because I feel forgotten. But this isn't the first time I would feel forgotten by you.

Forgotten

Hmm well here's urban dictionary's definition: "Alone; the feeling that no one cares and left you behind."

This past year I guess this is one of the words you can sum it up in. I never feel included. I always feel forgotten. I try so hard to be noticed. I do so much for people juts to feel accepted.. And in the end I'm just hurting myself because they end up not appreciating what I've done. I know that when I do things for specific people that nothing will come of it. But do I learn....NO. Of course not!  So instead I am overwhelmed.

And forgotten...

thank you

Thank you for the laughs. Thank you for the encouragement. Thank you for all the kind words.
You are a new found friend. You are a new experience. You are a new adventure.
I can't wait for the new memories. I can't wait for the hard times we will get through together. I can't wait for the songs and performances we will share.
I believe you have great things coming for you. I believe this is the start to an amazing friendship. I believe we are going to be in each others lives for a very long time.
I know we are in each others lives for a reason. I know I can trust you. I know you are one of the mos talented people I've ever met.

This is only the beginning thank you for being there when no one else has and all the things you have done for me in the short time we have had together. This summer is only the beginning <3

Next Year

Lately everyone has been freaking out about next year. "what are we gonna do without the seniors" "I'm loosing all my friends" " choir and theater is gonna suck". I'm google to miss the seniors just as much as the next but they are gone now. I'm excited to start a new chapter in my life. I'm excited for my years turn to make a mark on Valencia. We are talented and I think we have forgotten that! All my friends in my year astound me and even our new seniors and they surprise me day after day. I feel they've relied for so long on re graduated class that they forgot why it's like to be in charge again.
Today was a fabulous day! I loved every second. The 2 people I hung out with today are spectacular and to them I say : this is just the beginning of a long friendship. One of you this close friendship isn't new to us and were just getting stronger an to the other were just gettig close and I love it. I am so excited to see what these next two years bring to my life. It's time to move on and today was the perfect day to do so :)

The moment when..

You have this great big idea and you start on it and you go blank. I hope you like it. I though about it alot. And it just seems right! right? right! okay here we go :)

People

Even back then people understood. Expectation is awful. I've come to hate not only the concept but the word. Expectation always up having a negative connotation and making my life hell. I thought this time would be different you'd actually care...but you didn't. But other things I expected turned out nicely other person on the other hand cared as always always right by my side ready to listen and care <3 Thank you for being the only expectation that I assume that doesn't make an "ass out of me"(ASSoUtofME) <3

1 hour later <3 I love this girl!

SAWG!!

I need someone right now. Or maybe not someone more like a something. I need a hand to hold. i need someone to talk to. I want someone to care. I try so hard to please everyone all the time and so my feelings get easily hurt as I'm let down. I keep wanting to say "I want to go home". You know how you were a child you would always cry and "want to go home" or even know when your tired and you've had a long day you "want to go home". I can't say that anymore. I don't have a safe place anymore. I don't feel safe anywhere or with anyone. I'm scared. I'm having nervous breakdowns every SECOND. I'm having silly temper tantrums and curling up in a ball and shaking. I don't know what to do...

I can't take it..

I cry all the time. Today I could cry at the drop of the hat. There's many reasons to this:
1. I miss my best friend she is on the other side of the country and I can't see her everyday like I used to.
2. College. I know it's early.
3. Grades. It's crunch time and these next 2 weeks will either make or break my future.
4. People frankly bug me. Everyone is either being very negative about next school year or being conceded and obnoxious.
5. I need sleep!
6. I can literally not breathe until the last day of school and my last final is over.
7. I'm scared for summer. Last summer all I hung out was with my best friend Tyler, which isn't a bad thing don't get me wrong. But it's because no one invited me anywhere or asked to hang out or when I would try to get in touch with people, no one responded. And now Tyler is gone and only get to see her the couple weeks I go to Florida but there is still the rest of the summer where I could be lonely or have fun.
8. I'm scared for next year. Not because the seniors are gone it's because my grade and the future seniors don't believe in themselves enough. It's are time to step up and they need to stop dwelling in the past.
9. My appearance. I have broken out all over my face. I look disgusting.
10. The fact I'm even stressing in the first place.

help...

Fuck my parents

I really hate them. Yeah hates a strong word. I take it anymore. they have no sympathy for anyone but themselves. When I come home from school I need a shoulder to depend on  and everyday I come home to hear every single bad thing wrong with me. How would you like that? All your insecurities are yelled at to you one by one. I already have bad days at school every single fucking day and when i come home it gets worse.

Last Times

Everything lately has been the last time for things. Last time singing with my friends in choir. Last time performing on stage with my best friends. Last time singing certain songs. Last times in woman's choir. Last week of full school with some of my close friends. It's hard. Don't get me wrong I will miss each one of the seniors...But I'm also excited for the new things next year and now I see new people stepping up to leadership roles and actually it excites me because i know the 2 programs i love and care so dearly about are in good hands :)
I also realized that the next time I see my best friend will unfortunately be the last for a very long time. When I talked to her about it yesterday I assumed the next time i would see her as winter break but she said that her family couldn't afford to send her out so I could not see her for another year. That's really hard for me. I miss her already and not seeing her in person for a whole year is going to suck. The only thing I hate about next year is that college is taking my "sister" away and my second family..it sucks </3

Butterfly Project

The following just got posted on tumblr: On May the 4th, be apart of the butterfly effect. Draw butterflies on your wrists to show your support for people with depression and self harming addictions. Please click 'Reblog' to spread the word

I remember this very clearly when one of my close friends did this for me last year. Almost a year has gone by and this has helped so may people please do it even if your a guy it doesn't have to be big or it doesn't have to be a butterfly but just there name I know it means a lot to people...like me...

IM messages make me smile :)

 AIM IM with _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _1/19/11 10:23 PM

id just like to tell you regardless of what happens with casting, your audition was one of the best I've EVER seen. blew me away. i am so impressed its ridiculous. you should be proud.

Me :awh thanks that means alot :)  I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

lurv ya _ _ _ _ _ _!

<3

Them: :)


I don't even know why I'm posting this it's actually kinda lame! The blanks would give it away on who it i. Today I sent you a text and I turned around and you smiled :) I like making people smile, I feel like it means I actually am important to people.Yeah so I saved this I'm conversation...lame right? Well I look at it once in a blue moon and it helps me. Whenever I suck at a rehearsal, practice, audition or I don't think I'm good enough for anything or I feel like my friends don't care or I'm just in a bad mood, I look at this. It reminds me not only even though you yell at me all the time you still care. And if you care and think I'm good enough than that means other people think I'm good enough too :) You probably will read this and not realize it is you. Or you won't ever read this at all but I hope you do :)


Thanks...

The awkward moment when Kelci Peterson tells you...

My new found friend :) Saturday was so much fun with you especially the bus ride home because I really go to know you very well and your a beautiful person! Something you said that stuck with me: " In 7th grade you were my idol. I wanted to be like you. Now I'm friends with my 7th grade idol." I have never been someone that someone else looks up to and when you told me that I have never felt so good. I'm glad I can make an impact on someone life. I hang out wih y friends now and I'm not important to them there either 1. Depressed about seniors leaving and only focusing on that or 2. Freaking out about college. I've never been important like that to someone. I've never thought I was very talented or pretty or a good person or even role model. And you changed that. Well I'm not tying to be concedded and say that I am pretty or all that stuff but I have more self confidence and I feel cared for. Thank you kelci and this is just the beginning to a wonderful frendship <3

Mom and dad... Drop dead

My parents can just go the fuck away. I have literaly no love left in my heart for them. I'm moving out. They told me I could. I'm still decideing who though. But last time I did have one of my friends say I could live with them for a bit. Tylers gone so that is out of the question...well unless I personally had money for a plane ticket. I'm not perfect, never said I was but my mom loves to assume that I have a disorder, well if I have a disorder than every over emotional teenage girl must have a dissorder. I'm not a supermodel mom sorry I can't be the overly beautiful daughter you always wanted. Sorry I'm a fucking idiot dad and my grades are shit. I hate how you have one set of rules change them and then pull it out of your butt to change it right back.
I have no home. The expression "Home Sweet Home" is so true. Home is were te heart is. So due to that definition I am so NOT home. I need to get away. I need to be loved. Everyone can depend on at least one parent or can count on their family to be te ones who love and support them through the hard times. In the last 5 years I have never felt happy or loved at home. And the lack of love continues...

Holly Howell

this means the world to me every time I look at this I cry you mean the world to me and this post just makes me so happy. You are truly one of my best friends <3 :

Brooke Myers

I just want to dedicate a post to this girl.

This girl.. I really love her so much. I don't think she sees just how wonderful she is. It makes me want to cry when I think about that. I mean, she is just an amazing person. I don't tell her enough how much she means to me. She is so kind. Like honestly, I just watch how she acts and she is just always so sweet. She is so kind to me and caring and always there for me. Whenever I am with her, I am just so happy and having so much fun. We have bonded so much and we get along so well. She is like a sister to me. I really miss her actually. I don't think she realizes how many people love her too. I have had random conversations in which people bring up how much they love Brooke and how kind she is. I swear. I am not lying. I would do anything for her. She is so strong and I just can't explain it even. She makes me a good person. She makes me happy. She is just..wonderful. I honestly don' t know how else to put it.

I wish she saw how great she was. I wish she saw how absolutely stunning she is inside and out. I wish she saw how kind, caring, funny, stunning, flawless, talented, and wonderful she is. she is one of my best friends and favorite people. she...is just a great person. I love her so much. And I don't tell her enough.

I hope you see this brookey poo. I love you.

 

Thank you so much <3

Like you care but sure let's go with it

I don't even remember why I made this blog. It's like do the people following me really care? or is this some tumblr crap were you follow people just to get followers back. I have lost all hope in anyone. Everyone is not not to be trusted. Seriously the people at Valencia SUCK!....or at least the one's I hang out with.
All everyone ever cares about is themselves! I'm not saying at times I don't but no one is loyal everyone pretends to be to get something in return. I'm also sick of everyone playing follow the leader it's like be your own person!
Judging shouldn't exist! Because trust me everyone makes a complete idiot of themselves once in a while and judging is just another way of saying "Oh yay! it wasn't me this time so let me get the most out of it and be a hypocritical bitch!"
I really hate waking up in the morning. I sincerely wish I wasn't alive or I never existed. I get treated like crap right or left. But this vent is actually pointless because not any single one of you can help and then some of you are not good enough friends to even try.
I want this year to be over. I want summer. I want to leave this town and never come back.
Seriously FUCK my 16th birthday I don't give a shit if anyone shows up because my 16th birthday marks the start of a fresh new start with new people and new beginnings and I can't wait to get the bad people out of my life.

Sorry for all the negativity but isn't that what a blogs all about. Well not negativity. But letting it all out. Blogging is an action to let out feelings you can't say to people's face. And with this I close the vent of the day...

Crack

I was so excited to sing the song. "astonishing" from little women. My favorite song! I've nailed so many other times. I sing it on a daily basis and I never screw up. It's my go to song so I decided tht I would do it for theater 3 auditions. I get done with both my monologues and they went very well. I start to sing the song I hold out the long notes and then.....I CRACK! I NEVER crack on this song. I was sook dissppinted in my self I still am! I have no idea but this is a feeling I've never felt before. I never want to belt ever again, I have doubts in my voice,and I've never been so embarressed. I cry everytime I think about it. I think it's because of the cicumstances of the situation. I was in front of people I care about so I feel judged. My friends tend to gravitate toward talent and this audition will have me laughed at for a while. I've sung the song before so people are saying they know I can do it but I just wan't very warmed up. Even my theater teacher said he knew I could do it I just needed a better warmup. It sucks. It really does. I've cried all day about it. But there's nothig I can do. I can't turn back time....

My little sister...

Today I walked into my little sister room and she was praying. I have to little sisters, this one is the youngest and she is 8. I walk past and hear her ask God for a happy family, one who doesn’t scream and fight. I then start bawling. I go up to her and apologize for being such a bad sister, she tells me don’t talk to her but talk to my other sister. My other sister is 12 and we have a difficult relationship. I love her with all my heart don’t get me wrong but sometimes we don’t see eye to eye. She has ADHD which enables her to control her emotions so it is hard to deal with her sometimes When my 8 YEAR OLD SISTER ! told me to go talk to me other sister I realized how mature she was. (I’m so excited for her to get older :) ) But I talk to my other sister and everything is fine. I just want to be a better big sister and a lead a better example. They said I’m doing a good job but I just don’t believe them I love my sisters and want the best for them :/ I love my family and I don't give them enough credit so I will take this opportunity to do so if you don't mind :)

1. Dad: I love you so much. You are my hero. I can go to you for anything. You understand me so well. I'm sorry I can be a pain sometimes and I don't work as hard as I could. You mean so much to me and I will always be daddy's little girl :)

2.) Mom: We fight. Any teenage girl fights with her mom, it's int he handbook. You pick out the little things in me and obviously I take negatively to that. We don't see eye to eye on ALOT! We frustrate each other, we fight, we yell, but in the end I know you do all these things because you love me. I love you so much! I don't know what I would do without you. I get put into certain situations that make me appreciate you more and realize how much I depend on you on a regular basis. I'm sorry for being a disrespectful brat I truly am. 

Parents as a whole: I know I'm not the best daughter in the world but I try. I know you ground me a lot but it's out of love. I rather have boundaries than being able to do what I wants. I actually sometimes enjoy not being able to do things because it reminds me that you guys care. And I love that about you guys :) <3 I love you both <3

3.) Maddy: I yell at you  alot .More than I probably should. But I do it because I care. When you overreact I yell because I don't want you to get into an awkward situation when someone says something. I give you criticism because I want you to do everything to your best abilities. I don't tell you how much I care about you enough and my goal is that before I leave for college that will change.

4.) Olivia: You are so wise beyond your years. I'm sorry I'm not the best example but I love you so much. Your like a minny me and you so funny and cute and I love your smile. I hope we can get closer and I know (especially when you are older) we will be the best of friends.

Sissy's as a whole: I love you both so much and I want us to get so closer all 3 of us so that when we are older we can depend on each other for anything you two are my world and I want to be the best big sister you could ever have. I love you guys <3

I love my family I couldn't ask for a better one :)

I don't get it

No offense but people at Valencia do NOT know how to be a good friend. One minute they are your friend the next they are stabbing you in the back. Or maybe one minute they are totally there for you 100% and then the next their problems are bigger then everyone elses. I see that happen and I try to be the opposite. I've always put other people before myself which probably is the reason I am so self conscious all the time. I mean there have been times were I need to vent to someone but then after it is my turn to listen.

See that's another thing that bothers me. I have one sided friends, I mean not all of them, but some it's just a one way friendship. I do everything and they give me nothing in return. I'm not trying to be selfish here, sometimes it's better to be the one to give but in other cases I wouldn't mind some care once in a blue moon.

I'm done with words of encouragement. Yeah I know that sounds strange but it just never gets me anywhere. There's a always a "but" that tends to follow or I get so excited and built up over something that usually tends to fail in the end. I get disappointed very easily and the last thing I need is false hope.

I seem to be the punch line of things lately. I want to be taken seriously, kinda a high school goal I guess. Like I've said time and time again people LOVE! to walk all over me. I'm getting so sick of it.

All I've been hearing consistently day and night is words of hurt. Everywhere I go I'm let down. I get so hyped up each day and I have high expectations for each school day expecting it to be the BEST DAY EVER! so to speak. And then it ends up like crap and I get upset. I take that upset home...I hate home... I get yelled out about grades to my future to were right now I'm lead down a road to being a waitress. Fun stuff right?

I need a break. I need a friend. I need comfort. I need a hug. I need a smile. I need respect. I need someone to listen. I need encouragement that will follow through. I need a plan. 

I need to be ok.

I didn't think it would be this early

I thought you were better than that. I thought you would be that one person that would never give up on me. You used to be my best friend! I'm so done with you pretending like you care because I know you don't. Your such a hypocrite you said you hated her and now that's all you care about! You've replaced me once again. I really needed someone like you in my life but I knew it was to good to be true. Goodbyes are all I seem to be doing lately...but I thought yours would never come.

...

I've never felt more of it. The feeling of emptiness and you don't know how to fill it. I haven't gone into this state of mind in a while. I don't know what to do with myself. I hate home. I ear it from my friend consistently that I shouldn't hate home and that things will get better. I have hear that for so long now though that I don't believe them. 5 years of therapy, to screaming,fighting, my sister being diagnosed, the cutting,crying everyday,etc. See now suprisingly I get tired of it (shocker right?). A frien recently told me that I'm really good at gettig grounded like it's my hobby in a sense. Of course iblaughed and found it amusing but it seems like that is the only thing I'm good at period! Grade suck, I'm not neely as talented as my friends are, I'm not very attractive, I don't play sports, I'm not at the level to be considered good t dance people are always better than me, and this list could go on forever. Right now I just need something in my life to make me happy but seeing how things are going so far I doubt that will happen for a very long time. Sorry for the rant but I needed to get it all out.

Seattle day 1:
it's absolutley amazing here :) I love my friends! My room is the bom! I love these girlies :) can't wait for tomorrow!

Seattle!

I'm so excited! Sitting here in the airport such good vibe are all aroun me :) I love my friends and this is my last trip with the seniors. I'm so excited :)

Everything hurts. 

Every mean word.

Every long sentence.

Every harsh look.

Every fake smile.

Every sad frown. 

Every fake smile.

Every rude laugh.

Every sharp hit.

Every continuing tear.

Every small scar.

 Everything hurts.

 

 

Welcome to my weekend.

I hate thinking. I mean I love to think of new ideas, concept, dreams, goals, etc. But I don't like tot second guess myself. I'm very self conscious and the last thing I need is to overlook an already set and stoned decision. Other times thinking leads me to bad thoughts. Really bad thoughts. I always end up with the same idea that I'm never going to go anywhere in life, I'm an idiot, I have no friends, and everyone hates me. Thinking can be a scary thought sometimes. I mean look at people like Hitler...look were  his thinking got us.

This past weekend I got to worship which is exciting for me I love worshiping the lord! The best part was all the people I have wished could come to know the lord were there..they were late but they were there. One of my guy friends band performed, hence the reason my friends came. The last song they did was "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. That's when I started really worshiping with 2 other people in my group who are strong Christians. I could tell my other friends got uncomfortable. Right after my friends band ended the group left...their was one more band left though. But two of my guy friend stayed that really needed it, which meant a lot. My friends all left in a hurry which was kindave strange. I eventually found out that there was a party at one of their houses, which of course!, I wasn't invited to. Over the past 2 years people like using the same excuse with me "Sorry it wasn't intentional" or "Oops! I forgot my bad" My weekend then continued with being grounded...again. If you know me I'm grounded a lot. This is when the thinking started...I had nothing else to do. I then attempted to read which started out as a good plan but then it go to tthe boring part in the book that every book seems to have.
 I started thinking again.

Something good really needs to happen in my life.

disappointing [ˌdɪsəˈpɔɪntɪŋ] adj failing to meet one's expectations, hopes, desires, or standards

I'm done trying. When I'm always going to let people down. I'm a disappointment.

This is the year of not being good enough. Throughout the year I've just never have lived up to people's expectations. For my family I'm not the perfect child. I'm not like my best friend Tyler who I'm always compared to. For my friends I feel like I'm in a competition people who are the most talented seem to circle around each other and I always feel like the annoying untalented pest that needs to just shut up. Grades are bad this year! I am convinced I am not going to get into college. I'm always tired all the time. If I'm not doing homework I'm fighting with my parents. If I'm not fighting with my parents I'm crying. But all of them seem to happen at once lately. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm done with life in general.
This week someone at my school past away so I feel selfish for saying all these negative things but I need to get it out somewhere. I am lucky to have what I have though no doubt. But I rather have nothing and be closer to my family and have the strength to work harder. This year juts hasn't been the best one of my life.

My happy place (:

We do an exercise in my theater class to relax ourselves and get focused were we lie on the floor turn all the lights off and usually Mr. Whelen (our teacher) or one of the students starts talking to us. A student in particular usually does it when we get close to a show. We lie down on our backs and go to our happy place. I picture something like the picture up above an open field were no one can hurt me. I'm alone, I'm perfect, I'm myself, and I'm not being judged. I always wish I could stay in that place but when the lights come on I'm back in the theater with the same people I'm trying to impress everyday. I think if I invision myself in my happy place more often I would have less sad days.

So explaing my day just got me in the mood to vent so I shall take the oppurtunity to do so.
I let you do anything. Borrow my favorie top? Sure! Borrow something I was planning on wearing? Fine! Taking all my favorite necklaces and never give it back? Great! Are you kidding me?!?!?! I'm so done with this time I ask to borrow something there's an excuse why I can't and then you go ahead and where my boots!! I don't get it! You are always at my house and are allowed to do whatever whenever like shower, eat, watch tv, use the computer, etc. Even when I was using my laptop I turn away for 2 seconds and you already have it. We have no relationship anymore.you got home schooled and you dropped everyone except a few. You see me all the time anyways so it didn't matter. But also once you left school we had nothing to talk about our topic of conversations are always what I did at school and to catch you up on everyone's lives and then you tell me how your going all these places with other people out of country and doing new things. Which I'm totally happy for you don't get me wrong but I just feel like I'm your convience friend. I'm only needed when it's convient for you! I'm also always wrong we always lately tend to have awkward moments of disagreeing tension. I'll say one thing and of course you make it seem like I'm wrong.even my pinion on how a guy looks is wrong: "oh here's this guy_____ seeing right now" -you. " oh he's okay kids interesting looking"- me. " Brooke he's so cute and way better than the weird looking guys you pick." -you. I just don't get it like I didn't know you anymore you alway treat me like a pest now and like I'm your actual obnoxious little sister. You never tell me things. You tell tour other friends all this personal stuff and I understand why you would to your best friend but c'mon you can't tell me? I can't trust you after the insident were I caught you talking to someone else about my personal life. Because of your little slip that person tells people how I'm a brat to my parents and I'm an annoying disrespectful child!
HEY! Maybe I am! What's it to you? I just don't get along with my patents some times and I am ride at times but it doesn't mean I don't love my parents. I'm just so done for you making desicions for me and your heading off to college soon and so I have to start relying on myself and giving myself comfort and advice. Because now to think of it when have you ever given my advice?
I'm tired of being in your shadow time for the clouds to come in and the shadows to disappear.

So today was a very confusing day it was good yet bad frusturating yet smooth clam yet hectic. My day was full of oxymoron emotions. The day started out nice and I went to 1st period then 2nd then on to 3rd. Today my friend took her driving test but do to misshaps she borrowed my friend Connors car. So Connor is my best guy friend always there for me, like an older brother thing (he's also my ex) but anyways we had to bring my friend the keys to Connors car when she got to school so we had time to spare before my friend would get to school so we went to starbucks then came back to school and parked in office parking lot and just sat an talke fo a while. It was the most diverse and understanding conversation I've had with anyone in a while. Connor being a holster I was surprised at certain things he sai but te way he opened up to me and how we talked about God was just so nice! I love that Connor is not a hypocrite he admits he's the not the perfect christin and then he doesn't judge other people on if they are or not. I missed talking with him. I've deffintely moved on but he's my beat friend. Wouldn't you miss your best friend if they left? So our friend gets to the school and Connor gives her te basics o the car and then we were off back to school.

Now on to part 2 of my day I have brunch and I see kamran :) he's so sweet and asks me to lunch! I quickly said yes but then I realized I had to go to my my chemistry class at lunch :/ so then I told him and I felt horriable! But he was sweet and understood. Then I go to musical theatre which we then worked on Mad world an original musical based off the life of Lewis carol that was written by 2 of my senior friends.We did it once already last semester but this time the casts are different and some parts re recasted or have been triple casted and now we are doing a documentary on the whole process to submit to film festivals. Anyways w didn't work on anything I'm in so I just finished up so homework. Next I went 5th period which sucks :/ then lunch :) which was okay I guess.then I had 6th period were I yet again didn't do good on my geometry test.ugh. Then I get out and have an open 7th so I needed my campus portal reopened because mine wasn't workig and I needed o register for junior year on there and the stupid campus portal lady... Okay she was actualy very nice BUT.. I had to wait till 3 for her to change it for me so I sat in theatre 3 which was fun I guess they're all my close friends! Then at 3 I got it opened then got picked up by my mom and then we dropped off the rental car and then go our car that just had got fixed and then went home.

Now this leads us to part 3 the endings of my evening My friend failed her driving test. Sh took to slow of a left turn and then she got pulled over because Connors window wa cracked. So he happened to be at my house waitig for my mom to come home. We are the kind if friends were our families are practically families and we lie wih each other all the ime so yes in other words we are like sisters. So I come in and I apologize she didn't pass asked for the clarification of what happened and she somewhat tells me and then gets upsettells me she doesn't want to talk about. I leave for an appointment on an awkward note and then I come back home and she's gone. Then I ate did hw watche American idol and now I'm in bed logging on my itouch ha!
So ya that was my day sorry if it was too long but hey it happens blogging is a long process

so alltogether my day was a big blob of that"hey atleast I'm alive" feeling haha :)

Today was a very good day :) To ask Kamran to prom I did a scavenger hunt with cookie for him! It wasn't the most well organized be he liked it and i felt special so that's all that matters right?! Found the most beautiful turquoise and lemon yellow strapless prom dress......It was almost $400..... :( Ugh i hate expensive clothing :/ But I will find a dress I do have 2 months :) Mad World is starting officially in my mind. It's good I guess. I don't sing. I might not to be able to dance. I'm given not a lead. I'm not trying to sound ungrateful or anything because I do love my part I'm very attached to it. But I feel like I'm never good enough for anything better like no one will give me the chance. Well next year so many people in the program are leaving, I'll be a upperclassman and I'll have a shot :) 

I looked at the number of people following me on here...none...zero...Now most people would write this in tears and feel as if they were a big blob of not interesting matter, but I like it. I love the fact people can't see this so I can say whatever I feel without judgment. Well if a day comes when someone who I didn't want to share these thoughts with sees this I surprisingly won't care! They have seen m true insight and if it ruins friendships I'm sorry but this is my venting space. Play wiht fire and you might get burned.

 Dear KBS,

I have been trying to find this for I don’t know how long but the other day I was thinking about the reason behind this and I thought “Why do this?” i have so many amazing friends that I am hurting by doing this….In particular this one above here. i miss her a lot. I felt like I used to talk to her everyday I remember the first day we talked for more than a few seconds. Cristian had yelled at you and I was already in a bad mood I was sitting in the audience during concert choir when I used to be student service. You listened to me for a whole 2 hours just listened and at the end of it YOU ACTUALLY CARED!! how could you actually care how could someone it though actually care about my thoughts or how I feel or want to ACTUALLY KNOW! every single detail about me. not even some of my closets friends that I’ve known for years or even some of my family knows those things I told you. I don’t know what happened but I was going through old posts and you consumed my life for a while. From our amazing skype chats to your heart warming texts to just knowing when your online I can non-awkwardly message you when I’m feeling down that always mean the world to me. I feel like I don’t say this to you a lot but you are a rain of sunshine in so many people’s lives and your a great friend. You listen and you care which I feel like nobody knows how to do anymore. I miss you and i really hope you see this I posted it on tumblr lol BUT if you don’t it’s out there still for everyone to know how special I think you truly are <3

Sincerly,

<3 

I love him <3

Best Friends

7 long years I've known this freak haha :) I love her so much! words can't even describe how I feel about her. Every time I'm sad or just lonely she is always there! We practically live together and soon we actually will be part time roomies :) She is my sister and she has shaped me into the person I am today. If it weren't for her I would probably be pretty screwed up. This August she's heading off to Nashville for college and i will miss here dearly I haven't gone more than a month without her, and even then I talk to her everyday. But she is going to college and will make other friends and have other things to do. Don't get me wrong i will still talk to her as much as I can and see her but she also needs her space. I love her with all my heart and no friend can compare. One of the may reasons I hate school is because she's not there. People at school, well at least the kids i hang out with, and uncompassionate, not loving, rude, conceded, and don't know the first thing about being a true friend... BUT! this girl right above is the definition of a friend and a sister <3

"Friends. They love you no matter what. But it's more than that. They are always there for you when you need them. They help you out. They don't feel you owe them anything for them to be good friends"..."Brooke."

Not because you just said it but everyone treats me this way. They feel "No we can walk all over  her and give her crap and It'll be okay, because we know she will still treat us with love and respect and worship us at our feet." Well I hope you know that's a big bowl of BS! It's not fair it really isn't! Ever since I was little I was always walked all over and even though they continue to do so. I just like being a good friend I like good attention towards me...But doesn't everyone? I like surrounding myself with people who like me :) But i draw the line at certain extents. I do a lot of certain people and I never get things in return. This quote in particular, the person who wrote it, I do EVERYTHING FOR! and I get absolutely NOTHING in return...not even the proper amount of recognition :/ But sometimes you learn in life that not everything is about getting something in return. It's juts a life lesson and it really shows you who your true friends are. Unfortunate but true...

Last rant for the evening :) haha

Dear blog followers I am a horrible speller and I make careless mistakes
I apologize for anything in advance :) hahaha

Dance

I've missed you oh so much :) And sharing you with people I care about makes it even better :) Devin, Daniel, and Andres you guys are amazing and such good sports and hard workers and you guys make everything better <3. I started hating dance when I began doing everything for everyone else. Trying to be the best, favorite, and in the front. It wasn't until I left my dance studio, joined theater, and I started to choreograph that I began to regain my passion. A little bit later dancing began to become something that comforts me and makes me feel better about myself. It calmed me down and I started to feel again and regain focus. I began doing it for myself. Dance is the one thing that no one in my "clique" I guess you say, can take away from me. Dance gives me confidence..If you screw up you really didn't in the sense dance is a feeling not a step by step process. Dance is an art<3 I guess you could say that if it weren't for me being a dancer I wouldn't have learned to do everything for myself. Not being conceded but more going towards the acting world and the signing world. Every audition I walk into I must think if I'm not good enough fine, I'll get better or it's just one persons opinion out of many. When I started doing things for myself I started accomplishing more. 

 Well at the end of the day I had a great day and night I love my friends <3

Confusion: Complete misundertanding of a persons words, thoughts or actions or heard or seen. Usually resulting in embarassment, laughter, hatred, fighting(be it words or weapons), and in some cases, attraction.

Or at least that is urban dictonary's definition.I'm going through a tough time were I don't know how I'm feeling. I am convinced I have depression. Nothing is ever good enough for me to enjoy and be happy about.

People bother me not going to lie just going to be honest. That is one of the reasons I created this blog to be free and honest. Some things i would die to say to some people:

1. Your a backstabbing brat I don't trust you at all you say one thing but mean another. You always want you can't have and when you have it you don't want anymore! I trust you with things and then you go an tell people. I've tired over and over to be friends with you and to try and sympathize with what you go through but I can't! You don't care about anyone but yourself :/

2.please don't leave me. I know your going to be nearby but I KNOW! it won't be the same. I will see you as much as I would if you had moved int he first place and when you visit I can feel things won't be the same...

3. I don't know why I try and please you! Do you? Everyone worships the ground you "perform on" (haha see what I did there). You NEVER take me seriously. I try so hard to impress you and make you proud and the instant moment I get recognition for it, It's like a pat on the back...you do it once then the kind thought put into it is over. I don't know why I even do it when i always get shot down! I will never be your best friend I'm aware of that but at least a good friend c'mon! :/ Don't be proud of me anymore or say nice things because to be strait forward i don't care anymore so don't waste your breathe...

4. Your the stupidest phone don't die ....please :(

5. Thanks for lunch I needed it :) 

6. Your are so annoying go die...

7. Best friends is not enough sometimes... </3 denied on Valentine's Day 2011 

 Well that is my rant for the evening besides that rehearsal went well ! I'm liking my character more than I thought I would. I just wish I could have a solo but oh well who cares that I had an amazing audition right? HA! I hate student directing sometimes :/ Anyways off to homework I go...

She is very smart! If we had more she's in this world I feel like depression and other unhappiness life can bring would disappear

Easier said than done right?

Hello Blogspot! :D

Well let's see how to start out? This is awkward almost like a first date or even worse!...the first look at the other person! haha  So I have a tumblr right (who doesn't) but there are some people who prefer this better than a tumblr. Obviously I got curious so I decided to create one and scope it out. So far in writing this short paragraph I guess the difference is that this is more formal and wordly expressive in the way people communicate with the web world. Tumblr is all about re-blogging and posting pictures you and others think are either 1.) funny 2.) deep and 3.) relatable. I think people in this modern time have lost their passion for use of words. I used to love essay's *GASP* I know I know who could love essays right? In the 4th grade we had to do a story on if Santa Clause quit being Santa Clause! The minimum that everyone did was 2 pages...I did 7! front and back and got an A( It was nicely written if I do say so myself :) ) I guess you could say that was another reason for me joining this site so i could regain my passion for English literature and writing! 

Goals for this blog: to clear my mind and just express myself in words.

...and as she typed those words excitement and joy digested within her and came out physically with a smile ☺