Mom and dad... Drop dead

My parents can just go the fuck away. I have literaly no love left in my heart for them. I'm moving out. They told me I could. I'm still decideing who though. But last time I did have one of my friends say I could live with them for a bit. Tylers gone so that is out of the question...well unless I personally had money for a plane ticket. I'm not perfect, never said I was but my mom loves to assume that I have a disorder, well if I have a disorder than every over emotional teenage girl must have a dissorder. I'm not a supermodel mom sorry I can't be the overly beautiful daughter you always wanted. Sorry I'm a fucking idiot dad and my grades are shit. I hate how you have one set of rules change them and then pull it out of your butt to change it right back.
I have no home. The expression "Home Sweet Home" is so true. Home is were te heart is. So due to that definition I am so NOT home. I need to get away. I need to be loved. Everyone can depend on at least one parent or can count on their family to be te ones who love and support them through the hard times. In the last 5 years I have never felt happy or loved at home. And the lack of love continues...

Holly Howell

this means the world to me every time I look at this I cry you mean the world to me and this post just makes me so happy. You are truly one of my best friends <3 :

Brooke Myers

I just want to dedicate a post to this girl.

This girl.. I really love her so much. I don't think she sees just how wonderful she is. It makes me want to cry when I think about that. I mean, she is just an amazing person. I don't tell her enough how much she means to me. She is so kind. Like honestly, I just watch how she acts and she is just always so sweet. She is so kind to me and caring and always there for me. Whenever I am with her, I am just so happy and having so much fun. We have bonded so much and we get along so well. She is like a sister to me. I really miss her actually. I don't think she realizes how many people love her too. I have had random conversations in which people bring up how much they love Brooke and how kind she is. I swear. I am not lying. I would do anything for her. She is so strong and I just can't explain it even. She makes me a good person. She makes me happy. She is just..wonderful. I honestly don' t know how else to put it.

I wish she saw how great she was. I wish she saw how absolutely stunning she is inside and out. I wish she saw how kind, caring, funny, stunning, flawless, talented, and wonderful she is. she is one of my best friends and favorite people. she...is just a great person. I love her so much. And I don't tell her enough.

I hope you see this brookey poo. I love you.

 

Thank you so much <3

Like you care but sure let's go with it

I don't even remember why I made this blog. It's like do the people following me really care? or is this some tumblr crap were you follow people just to get followers back. I have lost all hope in anyone. Everyone is not not to be trusted. Seriously the people at Valencia SUCK!....or at least the one's I hang out with.
All everyone ever cares about is themselves! I'm not saying at times I don't but no one is loyal everyone pretends to be to get something in return. I'm also sick of everyone playing follow the leader it's like be your own person!
Judging shouldn't exist! Because trust me everyone makes a complete idiot of themselves once in a while and judging is just another way of saying "Oh yay! it wasn't me this time so let me get the most out of it and be a hypocritical bitch!"
I really hate waking up in the morning. I sincerely wish I wasn't alive or I never existed. I get treated like crap right or left. But this vent is actually pointless because not any single one of you can help and then some of you are not good enough friends to even try.
I want this year to be over. I want summer. I want to leave this town and never come back.
Seriously FUCK my 16th birthday I don't give a shit if anyone shows up because my 16th birthday marks the start of a fresh new start with new people and new beginnings and I can't wait to get the bad people out of my life.

Sorry for all the negativity but isn't that what a blogs all about. Well not negativity. But letting it all out. Blogging is an action to let out feelings you can't say to people's face. And with this I close the vent of the day...

Crack

I was so excited to sing the song. "astonishing" from little women. My favorite song! I've nailed so many other times. I sing it on a daily basis and I never screw up. It's my go to song so I decided tht I would do it for theater 3 auditions. I get done with both my monologues and they went very well. I start to sing the song I hold out the long notes and then.....I CRACK! I NEVER crack on this song. I was sook dissppinted in my self I still am! I have no idea but this is a feeling I've never felt before. I never want to belt ever again, I have doubts in my voice,and I've never been so embarressed. I cry everytime I think about it. I think it's because of the cicumstances of the situation. I was in front of people I care about so I feel judged. My friends tend to gravitate toward talent and this audition will have me laughed at for a while. I've sung the song before so people are saying they know I can do it but I just wan't very warmed up. Even my theater teacher said he knew I could do it I just needed a better warmup. It sucks. It really does. I've cried all day about it. But there's nothig I can do. I can't turn back time....

My little sister...

Today I walked into my little sister room and she was praying. I have to little sisters, this one is the youngest and she is 8. I walk past and hear her ask God for a happy family, one who doesn’t scream and fight. I then start bawling. I go up to her and apologize for being such a bad sister, she tells me don’t talk to her but talk to my other sister. My other sister is 12 and we have a difficult relationship. I love her with all my heart don’t get me wrong but sometimes we don’t see eye to eye. She has ADHD which enables her to control her emotions so it is hard to deal with her sometimes When my 8 YEAR OLD SISTER ! told me to go talk to me other sister I realized how mature she was. (I’m so excited for her to get older :) ) But I talk to my other sister and everything is fine. I just want to be a better big sister and a lead a better example. They said I’m doing a good job but I just don’t believe them I love my sisters and want the best for them :/ I love my family and I don't give them enough credit so I will take this opportunity to do so if you don't mind :)

1. Dad: I love you so much. You are my hero. I can go to you for anything. You understand me so well. I'm sorry I can be a pain sometimes and I don't work as hard as I could. You mean so much to me and I will always be daddy's little girl :)

2.) Mom: We fight. Any teenage girl fights with her mom, it's int he handbook. You pick out the little things in me and obviously I take negatively to that. We don't see eye to eye on ALOT! We frustrate each other, we fight, we yell, but in the end I know you do all these things because you love me. I love you so much! I don't know what I would do without you. I get put into certain situations that make me appreciate you more and realize how much I depend on you on a regular basis. I'm sorry for being a disrespectful brat I truly am. 

Parents as a whole: I know I'm not the best daughter in the world but I try. I know you ground me a lot but it's out of love. I rather have boundaries than being able to do what I wants. I actually sometimes enjoy not being able to do things because it reminds me that you guys care. And I love that about you guys :) <3 I love you both <3

3.) Maddy: I yell at you  alot .More than I probably should. But I do it because I care. When you overreact I yell because I don't want you to get into an awkward situation when someone says something. I give you criticism because I want you to do everything to your best abilities. I don't tell you how much I care about you enough and my goal is that before I leave for college that will change.

4.) Olivia: You are so wise beyond your years. I'm sorry I'm not the best example but I love you so much. Your like a minny me and you so funny and cute and I love your smile. I hope we can get closer and I know (especially when you are older) we will be the best of friends.

Sissy's as a whole: I love you both so much and I want us to get so closer all 3 of us so that when we are older we can depend on each other for anything you two are my world and I want to be the best big sister you could ever have. I love you guys <3

I love my family I couldn't ask for a better one :)

I don't get it

No offense but people at Valencia do NOT know how to be a good friend. One minute they are your friend the next they are stabbing you in the back. Or maybe one minute they are totally there for you 100% and then the next their problems are bigger then everyone elses. I see that happen and I try to be the opposite. I've always put other people before myself which probably is the reason I am so self conscious all the time. I mean there have been times were I need to vent to someone but then after it is my turn to listen.

See that's another thing that bothers me. I have one sided friends, I mean not all of them, but some it's just a one way friendship. I do everything and they give me nothing in return. I'm not trying to be selfish here, sometimes it's better to be the one to give but in other cases I wouldn't mind some care once in a blue moon.

I'm done with words of encouragement. Yeah I know that sounds strange but it just never gets me anywhere. There's a always a "but" that tends to follow or I get so excited and built up over something that usually tends to fail in the end. I get disappointed very easily and the last thing I need is false hope.

I seem to be the punch line of things lately. I want to be taken seriously, kinda a high school goal I guess. Like I've said time and time again people LOVE! to walk all over me. I'm getting so sick of it.

All I've been hearing consistently day and night is words of hurt. Everywhere I go I'm let down. I get so hyped up each day and I have high expectations for each school day expecting it to be the BEST DAY EVER! so to speak. And then it ends up like crap and I get upset. I take that upset home...I hate home... I get yelled out about grades to my future to were right now I'm lead down a road to being a waitress. Fun stuff right?

I need a break. I need a friend. I need comfort. I need a hug. I need a smile. I need respect. I need someone to listen. I need encouragement that will follow through. I need a plan. 

I need to be ok.

I didn't think it would be this early

I thought you were better than that. I thought you would be that one person that would never give up on me. You used to be my best friend! I'm so done with you pretending like you care because I know you don't. Your such a hypocrite you said you hated her and now that's all you care about! You've replaced me once again. I really needed someone like you in my life but I knew it was to good to be true. Goodbyes are all I seem to be doing lately...but I thought yours would never come.

...

I've never felt more of it. The feeling of emptiness and you don't know how to fill it. I haven't gone into this state of mind in a while. I don't know what to do with myself. I hate home. I ear it from my friend consistently that I shouldn't hate home and that things will get better. I have hear that for so long now though that I don't believe them. 5 years of therapy, to screaming,fighting, my sister being diagnosed, the cutting,crying everyday,etc. See now suprisingly I get tired of it (shocker right?). A frien recently told me that I'm really good at gettig grounded like it's my hobby in a sense. Of course iblaughed and found it amusing but it seems like that is the only thing I'm good at period! Grade suck, I'm not neely as talented as my friends are, I'm not very attractive, I don't play sports, I'm not at the level to be considered good t dance people are always better than me, and this list could go on forever. Right now I just need something in my life to make me happy but seeing how things are going so far I doubt that will happen for a very long time. Sorry for the rant but I needed to get it all out.

Seattle day 1:
it's absolutley amazing here :) I love my friends! My room is the bom! I love these girlies :) can't wait for tomorrow!

Seattle!

I'm so excited! Sitting here in the airport such good vibe are all aroun me :) I love my friends and this is my last trip with the seniors. I'm so excited :)