My happy place (:

We do an exercise in my theater class to relax ourselves and get focused were we lie on the floor turn all the lights off and usually Mr. Whelen (our teacher) or one of the students starts talking to us. A student in particular usually does it when we get close to a show. We lie down on our backs and go to our happy place. I picture something like the picture up above an open field were no one can hurt me. I'm alone, I'm perfect, I'm myself, and I'm not being judged. I always wish I could stay in that place but when the lights come on I'm back in the theater with the same people I'm trying to impress everyday. I think if I invision myself in my happy place more often I would have less sad days.

So explaing my day just got me in the mood to vent so I shall take the oppurtunity to do so.
I let you do anything. Borrow my favorie top? Sure! Borrow something I was planning on wearing? Fine! Taking all my favorite necklaces and never give it back? Great! Are you kidding me?!?!?! I'm so done with this time I ask to borrow something there's an excuse why I can't and then you go ahead and where my boots!! I don't get it! You are always at my house and are allowed to do whatever whenever like shower, eat, watch tv, use the computer, etc. Even when I was using my laptop I turn away for 2 seconds and you already have it. We have no relationship anymore.you got home schooled and you dropped everyone except a few. You see me all the time anyways so it didn't matter. But also once you left school we had nothing to talk about our topic of conversations are always what I did at school and to catch you up on everyone's lives and then you tell me how your going all these places with other people out of country and doing new things. Which I'm totally happy for you don't get me wrong but I just feel like I'm your convience friend. I'm only needed when it's convient for you! I'm also always wrong we always lately tend to have awkward moments of disagreeing tension. I'll say one thing and of course you make it seem like I'm wrong.even my pinion on how a guy looks is wrong: "oh here's this guy_____ seeing right now" -you. " oh he's okay kids interesting looking"- me. " Brooke he's so cute and way better than the weird looking guys you pick." -you. I just don't get it like I didn't know you anymore you alway treat me like a pest now and like I'm your actual obnoxious little sister. You never tell me things. You tell tour other friends all this personal stuff and I understand why you would to your best friend but c'mon you can't tell me? I can't trust you after the insident were I caught you talking to someone else about my personal life. Because of your little slip that person tells people how I'm a brat to my parents and I'm an annoying disrespectful child!
HEY! Maybe I am! What's it to you? I just don't get along with my patents some times and I am ride at times but it doesn't mean I don't love my parents. I'm just so done for you making desicions for me and your heading off to college soon and so I have to start relying on myself and giving myself comfort and advice. Because now to think of it when have you ever given my advice?
I'm tired of being in your shadow time for the clouds to come in and the shadows to disappear.

So today was a very confusing day it was good yet bad frusturating yet smooth clam yet hectic. My day was full of oxymoron emotions. The day started out nice and I went to 1st period then 2nd then on to 3rd. Today my friend took her driving test but do to misshaps she borrowed my friend Connors car. So Connor is my best guy friend always there for me, like an older brother thing (he's also my ex) but anyways we had to bring my friend the keys to Connors car when she got to school so we had time to spare before my friend would get to school so we went to starbucks then came back to school and parked in office parking lot and just sat an talke fo a while. It was the most diverse and understanding conversation I've had with anyone in a while. Connor being a holster I was surprised at certain things he sai but te way he opened up to me and how we talked about God was just so nice! I love that Connor is not a hypocrite he admits he's the not the perfect christin and then he doesn't judge other people on if they are or not. I missed talking with him. I've deffintely moved on but he's my beat friend. Wouldn't you miss your best friend if they left? So our friend gets to the school and Connor gives her te basics o the car and then we were off back to school.

Now on to part 2 of my day I have brunch and I see kamran :) he's so sweet and asks me to lunch! I quickly said yes but then I realized I had to go to my my chemistry class at lunch :/ so then I told him and I felt horriable! But he was sweet and understood. Then I go to musical theatre which we then worked on Mad world an original musical based off the life of Lewis carol that was written by 2 of my senior friends.We did it once already last semester but this time the casts are different and some parts re recasted or have been triple casted and now we are doing a documentary on the whole process to submit to film festivals. Anyways w didn't work on anything I'm in so I just finished up so homework. Next I went 5th period which sucks :/ then lunch :) which was okay I guess.then I had 6th period were I yet again didn't do good on my geometry test.ugh. Then I get out and have an open 7th so I needed my campus portal reopened because mine wasn't workig and I needed o register for junior year on there and the stupid campus portal lady... Okay she was actualy very nice BUT.. I had to wait till 3 for her to change it for me so I sat in theatre 3 which was fun I guess they're all my close friends! Then at 3 I got it opened then got picked up by my mom and then we dropped off the rental car and then go our car that just had got fixed and then went home.

Now this leads us to part 3 the endings of my evening My friend failed her driving test. Sh took to slow of a left turn and then she got pulled over because Connors window wa cracked. So he happened to be at my house waitig for my mom to come home. We are the kind if friends were our families are practically families and we lie wih each other all the ime so yes in other words we are like sisters. So I come in and I apologize she didn't pass asked for the clarification of what happened and she somewhat tells me and then gets upsettells me she doesn't want to talk about. I leave for an appointment on an awkward note and then I come back home and she's gone. Then I ate did hw watche American idol and now I'm in bed logging on my itouch ha!
So ya that was my day sorry if it was too long but hey it happens blogging is a long process

so alltogether my day was a big blob of that"hey atleast I'm alive" feeling haha :)

Today was a very good day :) To ask Kamran to prom I did a scavenger hunt with cookie for him! It wasn't the most well organized be he liked it and i felt special so that's all that matters right?! Found the most beautiful turquoise and lemon yellow strapless prom dress......It was almost $400..... :( Ugh i hate expensive clothing :/ But I will find a dress I do have 2 months :) Mad World is starting officially in my mind. It's good I guess. I don't sing. I might not to be able to dance. I'm given not a lead. I'm not trying to sound ungrateful or anything because I do love my part I'm very attached to it. But I feel like I'm never good enough for anything better like no one will give me the chance. Well next year so many people in the program are leaving, I'll be a upperclassman and I'll have a shot :) 

I looked at the number of people following me on here...none...zero...Now most people would write this in tears and feel as if they were a big blob of not interesting matter, but I like it. I love the fact people can't see this so I can say whatever I feel without judgment. Well if a day comes when someone who I didn't want to share these thoughts with sees this I surprisingly won't care! They have seen m true insight and if it ruins friendships I'm sorry but this is my venting space. Play wiht fire and you might get burned.

 Dear KBS,

I have been trying to find this for I don’t know how long but the other day I was thinking about the reason behind this and I thought “Why do this?” i have so many amazing friends that I am hurting by doing this….In particular this one above here. i miss her a lot. I felt like I used to talk to her everyday I remember the first day we talked for more than a few seconds. Cristian had yelled at you and I was already in a bad mood I was sitting in the audience during concert choir when I used to be student service. You listened to me for a whole 2 hours just listened and at the end of it YOU ACTUALLY CARED!! how could you actually care how could someone it though actually care about my thoughts or how I feel or want to ACTUALLY KNOW! every single detail about me. not even some of my closets friends that I’ve known for years or even some of my family knows those things I told you. I don’t know what happened but I was going through old posts and you consumed my life for a while. From our amazing skype chats to your heart warming texts to just knowing when your online I can non-awkwardly message you when I’m feeling down that always mean the world to me. I feel like I don’t say this to you a lot but you are a rain of sunshine in so many people’s lives and your a great friend. You listen and you care which I feel like nobody knows how to do anymore. I miss you and i really hope you see this I posted it on tumblr lol BUT if you don’t it’s out there still for everyone to know how special I think you truly are <3

Sincerly,

<3 

I love him <3

Best Friends

7 long years I've known this freak haha :) I love her so much! words can't even describe how I feel about her. Every time I'm sad or just lonely she is always there! We practically live together and soon we actually will be part time roomies :) She is my sister and she has shaped me into the person I am today. If it weren't for her I would probably be pretty screwed up. This August she's heading off to Nashville for college and i will miss here dearly I haven't gone more than a month without her, and even then I talk to her everyday. But she is going to college and will make other friends and have other things to do. Don't get me wrong i will still talk to her as much as I can and see her but she also needs her space. I love her with all my heart and no friend can compare. One of the may reasons I hate school is because she's not there. People at school, well at least the kids i hang out with, and uncompassionate, not loving, rude, conceded, and don't know the first thing about being a true friend... BUT! this girl right above is the definition of a friend and a sister <3

"Friends. They love you no matter what. But it's more than that. They are always there for you when you need them. They help you out. They don't feel you owe them anything for them to be good friends"..."Brooke."

Not because you just said it but everyone treats me this way. They feel "No we can walk all over  her and give her crap and It'll be okay, because we know she will still treat us with love and respect and worship us at our feet." Well I hope you know that's a big bowl of BS! It's not fair it really isn't! Ever since I was little I was always walked all over and even though they continue to do so. I just like being a good friend I like good attention towards me...But doesn't everyone? I like surrounding myself with people who like me :) But i draw the line at certain extents. I do a lot of certain people and I never get things in return. This quote in particular, the person who wrote it, I do EVERYTHING FOR! and I get absolutely NOTHING in return...not even the proper amount of recognition :/ But sometimes you learn in life that not everything is about getting something in return. It's juts a life lesson and it really shows you who your true friends are. Unfortunate but true...

Last rant for the evening :) haha

Dear blog followers I am a horrible speller and I make careless mistakes
I apologize for anything in advance :) hahaha

Dance

I've missed you oh so much :) And sharing you with people I care about makes it even better :) Devin, Daniel, and Andres you guys are amazing and such good sports and hard workers and you guys make everything better <3. I started hating dance when I began doing everything for everyone else. Trying to be the best, favorite, and in the front. It wasn't until I left my dance studio, joined theater, and I started to choreograph that I began to regain my passion. A little bit later dancing began to become something that comforts me and makes me feel better about myself. It calmed me down and I started to feel again and regain focus. I began doing it for myself. Dance is the one thing that no one in my "clique" I guess you say, can take away from me. Dance gives me confidence..If you screw up you really didn't in the sense dance is a feeling not a step by step process. Dance is an art<3 I guess you could say that if it weren't for me being a dancer I wouldn't have learned to do everything for myself. Not being conceded but more going towards the acting world and the signing world. Every audition I walk into I must think if I'm not good enough fine, I'll get better or it's just one persons opinion out of many. When I started doing things for myself I started accomplishing more. 

 Well at the end of the day I had a great day and night I love my friends <3

Confusion: Complete misundertanding of a persons words, thoughts or actions or heard or seen. Usually resulting in embarassment, laughter, hatred, fighting(be it words or weapons), and in some cases, attraction.

Or at least that is urban dictonary's definition.I'm going through a tough time were I don't know how I'm feeling. I am convinced I have depression. Nothing is ever good enough for me to enjoy and be happy about.

People bother me not going to lie just going to be honest. That is one of the reasons I created this blog to be free and honest. Some things i would die to say to some people:

1. Your a backstabbing brat I don't trust you at all you say one thing but mean another. You always want you can't have and when you have it you don't want anymore! I trust you with things and then you go an tell people. I've tired over and over to be friends with you and to try and sympathize with what you go through but I can't! You don't care about anyone but yourself :/

2.please don't leave me. I know your going to be nearby but I KNOW! it won't be the same. I will see you as much as I would if you had moved int he first place and when you visit I can feel things won't be the same...

3. I don't know why I try and please you! Do you? Everyone worships the ground you "perform on" (haha see what I did there). You NEVER take me seriously. I try so hard to impress you and make you proud and the instant moment I get recognition for it, It's like a pat on the back...you do it once then the kind thought put into it is over. I don't know why I even do it when i always get shot down! I will never be your best friend I'm aware of that but at least a good friend c'mon! :/ Don't be proud of me anymore or say nice things because to be strait forward i don't care anymore so don't waste your breathe...

4. Your the stupidest phone don't die ....please :(

5. Thanks for lunch I needed it :) 

6. Your are so annoying go die...

7. Best friends is not enough sometimes... </3 denied on Valentine's Day 2011 

 Well that is my rant for the evening besides that rehearsal went well ! I'm liking my character more than I thought I would. I just wish I could have a solo but oh well who cares that I had an amazing audition right? HA! I hate student directing sometimes :/ Anyways off to homework I go...

She is very smart! If we had more she's in this world I feel like depression and other unhappiness life can bring would disappear

Easier said than done right?

Hello Blogspot! :D

Well let's see how to start out? This is awkward almost like a first date or even worse!...the first look at the other person! haha  So I have a tumblr right (who doesn't) but there are some people who prefer this better than a tumblr. Obviously I got curious so I decided to create one and scope it out. So far in writing this short paragraph I guess the difference is that this is more formal and wordly expressive in the way people communicate with the web world. Tumblr is all about re-blogging and posting pictures you and others think are either 1.) funny 2.) deep and 3.) relatable. I think people in this modern time have lost their passion for use of words. I used to love essay's *GASP* I know I know who could love essays right? In the 4th grade we had to do a story on if Santa Clause quit being Santa Clause! The minimum that everyone did was 2 pages...I did 7! front and back and got an A( It was nicely written if I do say so myself :) ) I guess you could say that was another reason for me joining this site so i could regain my passion for English literature and writing! 

Goals for this blog: to clear my mind and just express myself in words.

...and as she typed those words excitement and joy digested within her and came out physically with a smile ☺