Everything hurts. 

Every mean word.

Every long sentence.

Every harsh look.

Every fake smile.

Every sad frown. 

Every fake smile.

Every rude laugh.

Every sharp hit.

Every continuing tear.

Every small scar.

 Everything hurts.

 

 

Welcome to my weekend.

I hate thinking. I mean I love to think of new ideas, concept, dreams, goals, etc. But I don't like tot second guess myself. I'm very self conscious and the last thing I need is to overlook an already set and stoned decision. Other times thinking leads me to bad thoughts. Really bad thoughts. I always end up with the same idea that I'm never going to go anywhere in life, I'm an idiot, I have no friends, and everyone hates me. Thinking can be a scary thought sometimes. I mean look at people like Hitler...look were  his thinking got us.

This past weekend I got to worship which is exciting for me I love worshiping the lord! The best part was all the people I have wished could come to know the lord were there..they were late but they were there. One of my guy friends band performed, hence the reason my friends came. The last song they did was "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. That's when I started really worshiping with 2 other people in my group who are strong Christians. I could tell my other friends got uncomfortable. Right after my friends band ended the group left...their was one more band left though. But two of my guy friend stayed that really needed it, which meant a lot. My friends all left in a hurry which was kindave strange. I eventually found out that there was a party at one of their houses, which of course!, I wasn't invited to. Over the past 2 years people like using the same excuse with me "Sorry it wasn't intentional" or "Oops! I forgot my bad" My weekend then continued with being grounded...again. If you know me I'm grounded a lot. This is when the thinking started...I had nothing else to do. I then attempted to read which started out as a good plan but then it go to tthe boring part in the book that every book seems to have.
 I started thinking again.

Something good really needs to happen in my life.

disappointing [ˌdɪsəˈpɔɪntɪŋ] adj failing to meet one's expectations, hopes, desires, or standards

I'm done trying. When I'm always going to let people down. I'm a disappointment.

This is the year of not being good enough. Throughout the year I've just never have lived up to people's expectations. For my family I'm not the perfect child. I'm not like my best friend Tyler who I'm always compared to. For my friends I feel like I'm in a competition people who are the most talented seem to circle around each other and I always feel like the annoying untalented pest that needs to just shut up. Grades are bad this year! I am convinced I am not going to get into college. I'm always tired all the time. If I'm not doing homework I'm fighting with my parents. If I'm not fighting with my parents I'm crying. But all of them seem to happen at once lately. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm done with life in general.
This week someone at my school past away so I feel selfish for saying all these negative things but I need to get it out somewhere. I am lucky to have what I have though no doubt. But I rather have nothing and be closer to my family and have the strength to work harder. This year juts hasn't been the best one of my life.