Next Year

Lately everyone has been freaking out about next year. "what are we gonna do without the seniors" "I'm loosing all my friends" " choir and theater is gonna suck". I'm google to miss the seniors just as much as the next but they are gone now. I'm excited to start a new chapter in my life. I'm excited for my years turn to make a mark on Valencia. We are talented and I think we have forgotten that! All my friends in my year astound me and even our new seniors and they surprise me day after day. I feel they've relied for so long on re graduated class that they forgot why it's like to be in charge again.
Today was a fabulous day! I loved every second. The 2 people I hung out with today are spectacular and to them I say : this is just the beginning of a long friendship. One of you this close friendship isn't new to us and were just getting stronger an to the other were just gettig close and I love it. I am so excited to see what these next two years bring to my life. It's time to move on and today was the perfect day to do so :)

The moment when..

You have this great big idea and you start on it and you go blank. I hope you like it. I though about it alot. And it just seems right! right? right! okay here we go :)

People

Even back then people understood. Expectation is awful. I've come to hate not only the concept but the word. Expectation always up having a negative connotation and making my life hell. I thought this time would be different you'd actually care...but you didn't. But other things I expected turned out nicely other person on the other hand cared as always always right by my side ready to listen and care <3 Thank you for being the only expectation that I assume that doesn't make an "ass out of me"(ASSoUtofME) <3

1 hour later <3 I love this girl!

SAWG!!

I need someone right now. Or maybe not someone more like a something. I need a hand to hold. i need someone to talk to. I want someone to care. I try so hard to please everyone all the time and so my feelings get easily hurt as I'm let down. I keep wanting to say "I want to go home". You know how you were a child you would always cry and "want to go home" or even know when your tired and you've had a long day you "want to go home". I can't say that anymore. I don't have a safe place anymore. I don't feel safe anywhere or with anyone. I'm scared. I'm having nervous breakdowns every SECOND. I'm having silly temper tantrums and curling up in a ball and shaking. I don't know what to do...

I can't take it..

I cry all the time. Today I could cry at the drop of the hat. There's many reasons to this:
1. I miss my best friend she is on the other side of the country and I can't see her everyday like I used to.
2. College. I know it's early.
3. Grades. It's crunch time and these next 2 weeks will either make or break my future.
4. People frankly bug me. Everyone is either being very negative about next school year or being conceded and obnoxious.
5. I need sleep!
6. I can literally not breathe until the last day of school and my last final is over.
7. I'm scared for summer. Last summer all I hung out was with my best friend Tyler, which isn't a bad thing don't get me wrong. But it's because no one invited me anywhere or asked to hang out or when I would try to get in touch with people, no one responded. And now Tyler is gone and only get to see her the couple weeks I go to Florida but there is still the rest of the summer where I could be lonely or have fun.
8. I'm scared for next year. Not because the seniors are gone it's because my grade and the future seniors don't believe in themselves enough. It's are time to step up and they need to stop dwelling in the past.
9. My appearance. I have broken out all over my face. I look disgusting.
10. The fact I'm even stressing in the first place.

help...

Fuck my parents

I really hate them. Yeah hates a strong word. I take it anymore. they have no sympathy for anyone but themselves. When I come home from school I need a shoulder to depend on  and everyday I come home to hear every single bad thing wrong with me. How would you like that? All your insecurities are yelled at to you one by one. I already have bad days at school every single fucking day and when i come home it gets worse.

Last Times

Everything lately has been the last time for things. Last time singing with my friends in choir. Last time performing on stage with my best friends. Last time singing certain songs. Last times in woman's choir. Last week of full school with some of my close friends. It's hard. Don't get me wrong I will miss each one of the seniors...But I'm also excited for the new things next year and now I see new people stepping up to leadership roles and actually it excites me because i know the 2 programs i love and care so dearly about are in good hands :)
I also realized that the next time I see my best friend will unfortunately be the last for a very long time. When I talked to her about it yesterday I assumed the next time i would see her as winter break but she said that her family couldn't afford to send her out so I could not see her for another year. That's really hard for me. I miss her already and not seeing her in person for a whole year is going to suck. The only thing I hate about next year is that college is taking my "sister" away and my second family..it sucks </3

Butterfly Project

The following just got posted on tumblr: On May the 4th, be apart of the butterfly effect. Draw butterflies on your wrists to show your support for people with depression and self harming addictions. Please click 'Reblog' to spread the word

I remember this very clearly when one of my close friends did this for me last year. Almost a year has gone by and this has helped so may people please do it even if your a guy it doesn't have to be big or it doesn't have to be a butterfly but just there name I know it means a lot to people...like me...

IM messages make me smile :)

 AIM IM with _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _1/19/11 10:23 PM

id just like to tell you regardless of what happens with casting, your audition was one of the best I've EVER seen. blew me away. i am so impressed its ridiculous. you should be proud.

Me :awh thanks that means alot :)  I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

lurv ya _ _ _ _ _ _!

<3

Them: :)


I don't even know why I'm posting this it's actually kinda lame! The blanks would give it away on who it i. Today I sent you a text and I turned around and you smiled :) I like making people smile, I feel like it means I actually am important to people.Yeah so I saved this I'm conversation...lame right? Well I look at it once in a blue moon and it helps me. Whenever I suck at a rehearsal, practice, audition or I don't think I'm good enough for anything or I feel like my friends don't care or I'm just in a bad mood, I look at this. It reminds me not only even though you yell at me all the time you still care. And if you care and think I'm good enough than that means other people think I'm good enough too :) You probably will read this and not realize it is you. Or you won't ever read this at all but I hope you do :)


Thanks...

The awkward moment when Kelci Peterson tells you...

My new found friend :) Saturday was so much fun with you especially the bus ride home because I really go to know you very well and your a beautiful person! Something you said that stuck with me: " In 7th grade you were my idol. I wanted to be like you. Now I'm friends with my 7th grade idol." I have never been someone that someone else looks up to and when you told me that I have never felt so good. I'm glad I can make an impact on someone life. I hang out wih y friends now and I'm not important to them there either 1. Depressed about seniors leaving and only focusing on that or 2. Freaking out about college. I've never been important like that to someone. I've never thought I was very talented or pretty or a good person or even role model. And you changed that. Well I'm not tying to be concedded and say that I am pretty or all that stuff but I have more self confidence and I feel cared for. Thank you kelci and this is just the beginning to a wonderful frendship <3